SEP 2022: HEALTH BY WAY OF A CHECKLIST
If you are like me, you weren’t raised to focus on your emotional wellbeing as you navigate through your day. You may have learned to protect the feelings of others, and prioritize their needs over your own. You may be the type to run through fire for others, perhaps neglecting your own burns. I’ll bet your circle can bank on your support – no matter what - but when your emotional account is low , do you have reserves to transfer for yourself? Many of us were raised to think of others first, to minimize our own needs and desires for the sake of others. It’s not sustainable. It’s not healthy. And it’s not okay. We absolutely must consider ourselves as we pilot our life journeys. We need to include ourselves as we live and love. But how?
I feel like I’m pretty good at loving others. To me, that means making time for them, holding a space for them, being truthful with them. The people I love are a part of me. My love for them is unconditional, regardless of the relationship we operate within. I love them when they disappoint me and I love them when they disappoint themselves. I try not to allow my own limitations, fears, or desires dictate the ways that I show affection. And though I often fall short, I am always trying to be honest and kind in interactions with the people I care about. Why then, is it so hard to extend that love to myself? Why does my definition get so murky when I apply this action to me? Really… how do we love ourselves?
Perhaps it starts with a checklist. I know… another one. There’s a lot of talk about checklists for productivity. And it is true, creating lists (even if just in your head) is often the first step toward creating habits to help guide you. A trip down any office supply aisle points to the fact that people like to write out lists. Often the goal is to help make the most out of your day by being focused with your energy and disciplined with your time. And although not everyone needs an hour-by-hour schedule, most can agree that there is a benefit to acknowledging responsibilities and goals throughout the day. And studies back up the practice.
The benefits of checklists ring true for mental and emotional health as well. The more intention surrounding our efforts, the more likely we are to live in balance, to live with more joy, and to operate with more purpose. Of course, this type of list isn’t the same as a to-do list or a calendar. It is not a set of affirmations exactly. It is simply a set of healthy reminders to yourself, for yourself.
Now, as a balance seeker, I don’t believe that there is one way to do anything. I make toast four different ways, but it’s all toast. There’s no best paint color, there’s no one healthy weight , or one cure for an ailment. Things that work can fail and things that fail can work. We all measure success differently and we all emote differently. The fact that there are different ways to reach a goal is what makes this life joyful, though perhaps also complicated. So I bring up this self-love activity with a fair amount of hesitation, knowing that there are no panaceas. This does, however, come close. I call it my Intentions List and I’ve been working it into my daily routine. Here’s what that looks like:
MORNING INTENTIONS
Begin with a SELF-CHECK (How does your body feel? Are your emotions in a healthy balance? Does your mind feel sharp?) Allow that self-check to determine what you might need as you go about your day.
Do something from your list of NEEDS FIRST. (Breakfast for the kids is important, but do you have time to sip coffee alone by the window? You have to get to work, but do you have time for a five-minute meditation first? You don't have time for a workout, but can you sit outside on the steps while you scroll SM?) We all have busy schedules and we’re all balancing responsibilities, but forgetting to prioritize ourselves at the start of the day can lead to a pattern of self-neglect. In other words, because it gets easier to put off our needs the more we do it, we should limit engagement in unhealthy habits. Ignoring your personal needs is just not healthy.
Focus on your BREATH. Not your morning breath - that’s a totally different issue and I’ll assume you can determine when and where oral hygiene comes into play in your routine. Push that oxygen through your blood and release that carbon dioxide buildup. Exercise your lungs and flex your diaphragm. Try it: BREATHE deeply and intentionally for a few minutes. I like to do it while sitting outside, but you can do it in the bed, at the kitchen table, or standing on the transit platform… basically anywhere. Dr. Weil’s 4-7-8 method has gotten a lot of recent attention and I do aim to incorporate it into my day, but conscious breathing works too. In fact, simply breathing in deeply and breathing out with control gives you almost the same benefits without having to count. Whatever floats your boat. You do you.
Make EYE CONTACT with yourself. I know… it sounds weird. But you’ve heard it before, to really connect with someone, breathe deeply, relax into your body, and gaze into their eyes. Studies show that eye contact releases oxytocin (the feel good juice) and creates a sense of intimacy. Why not do the same for yourself? This isn’t about your face or your crow’s feet… no judgment here… this isn’t superficial stuff. Listen to what your eyes are telling you. They may be telling you that you need more sleep, or that your diet needs tweaking. Mostly they should be telling you that you are a whole, beautiful, intelligent and lovely being, capable of great things, and worthy of love and care. Create a connection with yourself. Perhaps offer yourself a pledge as you connect with yourself. Two minutes. In the mirror. Seriously… just do it.
Pledge to practice COMPASSION and KINDNESS with yourself as you would with others. Perhaps as you make eye contact with yourself you can practice your affirmations, your pledges, your plans. Keep them positive. Turn around negative thoughts (instead of ‘I won’t eat junk today’ phrase it as ‘I will make health decisions about what I put in my body’) and pledge to be nice to yourself, even if you stumble along the way.
So, I’m just learning how to do this thing. How to include myself as I love. I’m admittedly not all that good at it yet. I notice that it (like all manifestations of love) takes on different forms. There are many ways to love yourself, the checklist is just one of many.
Sometimes it’s checking in (there’s that word again) on myself as I might check on my parents, or being as honest with myself as I would expect a partner to be with me. It can be making an effort to show myself a good time as I might do for a visiting relative or taking downtime without guilt as I’d suggest to a friend. Sometimes self-love is nourishing my body as I would my growing child’s or prioritizing physical exercise as if a team is counting on my efforts. I’m finding time to clean as though guests are coming and making time for walks as I might do with my dog. I practice compassion for my inevitable challenges, just as I would to encourage a new student, and I offer support to myself as I would an ill patient. I’m trying to do these things not because I’m selfish… but because I too am worth it, I too am worthy of love. And even if I struggle to find others to offer love back to me, I can always – ALWAYS – extend love to myself. There’s power and comfort knowing I am included in my circle of love.
We may not always agree on the ways in which we love, but let’s at the very least agree that when we love ourselves, we are making a healthy and productive choice. Sometimes it’s trial and error (too often rife with error) but keep trying - because the results are measurable. And we all deserve healthy love to be our best, most productive, selves. We are worthy of the time, the dedication, and the act of love. From ourselves, to ourselves; checklists or not.
